More and more, I just get so tired of dealing with anyone. Why can’t it be easier? I want very much to take off and spend a month on an island and just sleep, dive, and be with nature. I miss it. I am tired.

I still think of it constantly. 

You told me to stop thinking about it; to move you. That you’ve let it go. All I could (and can) think of is how I’ve let you down and how I am disgusting. How could I have done that to someone I love, why did I do that to someone I love? I can’t begin to understand it - the only reason that would make sense for my actions, to lay my hand on you like that would be that I hated you, that I had no respect for you any longer. I don’t even do that to anyone. Did I miscalculate how much force was in my hand, did I think I was just playing?

I remember the waves of anger and defencelessness, I remember words cutting my brain, the pressure in my head, the pressure in my head. I remember feeling upset and sad and angry all in a moment, a blinding rage, white flashes and quick movements.

I remember thinking right after that I hated myself, that I shouldn’t be alive. That I had done what had once been done to me, that I was a hypocrite, that I was horrible, I wanted to die. How could I have done that to someone that I loved, I remember thinking that. And much later when you told me you still loved me, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t believe it still, and I feel as if I had single handedly killed what we held close for almost 8 months, I feel as if I had ruined everything. I feel as if I could no longer love you as before, that I had done something unspeakable and the only recourse is punishment, that you should leave me, and I feel terrible. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I feel like I am a terrible person who has forever changed our relationship, and I love you, but you shouldn’t love me. I love you, but why did I do what I did.

I feel like I’m going crazy and I think of all the things I can do to dive deeper into pain and harm and I think I think I think myself into a rut where can I run to where can I hide why do I feel so much now and so much anger it is a white flash of light and blindness skin touching skin and suddenly it is all done.

I forgot my capacity for pain, but remember now that I have forgotten my capacity for love.